State Alchemists for rent!
by Mird
Summary: Need a State Alchemist for a Mary Sue fic or parody? Plenty here for rent- only 58.92 a month for each one. Feel free to browse! -oneshot-
1. Choose one of your choice!

**Credit goes to the State Alchemist Title generator on Seventh Sanctum dot com- VERY entertaining and inspiring; almost all of these came from there. A few came from real Mary Sue fics, and those authors WOULD get credit, but saying names wouldn't be nice.**

**You know who you are.**

State Alchemists for rent!

1. The Gorgeous Cardboard Alchemist

Description: She is a cardboard cutout of a super-hot model; (Insert sexy main character of your choice here) is able to fall in love with her, but incapable of being annoyed with her, seeing as she never speaks! Perfect for one-sided love stories and weeping confessions of undying love, only to be greeted with sullen indifference. Great for angst.

Pros: She is absolutely gorgeous, and no one can resist her. Love triangles are hard to avoid and easy to write about, without any need for dialogue!

Cons: Highly flammable; no good for RoyxOC.

Powers: Wooing unsuspecting victims of the male variety.

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2. The Bloody Cramp Alchemist

Description: An extremely feminine girl in the middle of puberty; she is permanently having her period. She angsts about it constantly. Great for depressing fics where Ed saves his love interest from dying of blood loss.

Pros: Great for pity. Ed can be sympathetic about her constant blood loss and inevitable pain.

Cons: She can't be a magnificent fighter.

Powers: She can transmute men into women in the middle of their 'time of the month'.

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3. The Full Love Alchemist

Description: Extremely romantic with exotic features. Blonde hair with a natural, unexplained red and black streak that doesn't seem to come from any family members. Wears lots of makeup and makes it look natural and alluring. Men fall for her.

Pros: No one can help but love her; she's beautiful, sweet, mysterious and just clueless enough to be cute.

Cons: Whenever an admirer asks her on a date, she is washed over with a wave of guilt as she politely declines. She only loves (Insert sexy main character of your choice here) and cannot stand to date anyone else.

Powers: She has always been an alchemic prodigy, and has been able to transmute by clapping her hands since birth.

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4. The Bra Alchemist

Description: No bra size is too big for the bra alchemist!

Pros: Great for HavocxOC or a replacement Lust because (Spoiler alert!) the original Lust died.

Cons: Her breasts sometimes interfere with battle.

Powers: None. She's just in the military for sex appeal.

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5. The Correcting Pollution Alchemist

Description: She wears tie-dye and faded jeans, hippie style. She's all for recycling and gets mad when people don't agree with her. She can talk to animals and is very passionate about Earth and everything on it.

Pros: She's eco friendly and made entirely of recycled material.

Cons: She had no downside, because eco-friendly is ALWAYS perfect. Limited supply, but worth it; YOU can help make a difference!

Powers: She can transmute anything at all into anything at all regardless of equivalent exchange, because the power of recycling and good will overthrows the powers of nature. Duh.

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6. The Cleaving Groin Alchemist

Description: She wears stiletto heals, extra sharp, and a wicked grin that doesn't detract at all from her beauty.

Pros: She is not helpless by any means, and can protect (Insert sexy main character of your choice here) easily.

Cons: She is a little TOO not-helpless, and will also protect against (Insert sexy main character of your choice) if she so chooses.

Powers: She can transmute anything into a sharp object and stab her (male) enemy in the...Well, you know. Thus, rendering him incapable of fighting back.

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7. The Healing Light Alchemist

Description: She looks like a perfect, innocent fifteen year old school girl. Always smiling and cheery, despite all her angstedy-angst. She is always willing to help.

Pros: Extremely helpful, sweet and defenseless. You can get (Insert sexy main character of your choice here) to protect her and comfort her when she's scared; a great set-up for cutesy, fluff moments.

Cons: No cons; she's a perfect Sue.

Powers: Defying the laws of alchemy, she can heal anything without a circle, or even clapping her hands; there's simply a flash of light, and it's healed.

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8. The Sexy Shampoo Alchemist

Description: She has beautiful, flowing locks of shiny, smooth, chocolate brown hair. She used to be in shampoo commercials before realizing her extreme talent for alchemy.

Pros: Great for pairings of any kind.

Cons: Her hair is distracting.

Powers: She can transmute her hair to do things...Because that's SO original and totally possible.

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9. The Vinegar Alchemist and The Baking Soda Alchemist

Description: A pair of twins; one for Ed, one for Al. When together, they are spazzy and energetic, but when apart they are dull and sad. A true showing of sisterly love.

Pros: There are two of them; that way, both Ed AND Al get a girlfriend!

Cons: Without each other, they angst to their boyfriends and cry on their shoulders and get comforted and...Wait. That's a good thing.

Powers: They can make a baking soda and vinegar volcano appear out of nowhere by clapping their hands together.

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10. The Ignorant Maid Alchemist

Description: She was once forced into slavery as a maid, which she didn't enjoy. She was purposely ignorant, 'forgetting' to clean certain rooms and, unfortunately, getting beaten by her employers because of it. She has many bruises and scars and angsts constantly.

Pros: Angst, angst, more angst. What could be better?

Cons: She's very paranoid of employers and doesn't like Roy Mustang much...Unless it's a RoyxOC, in which case, she slowly grows to love him.

Powers: She has a transmutation circle imbedded in her feather duster.

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11. The Pornographer Alchemist

...I'd rather not explain this one.

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12. The Prostitute Snail Alchemist

...I'd rather not explain this one, either. Be creative...

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13. The Spiral Matchmaker Alchemist

Description: An otaku fanfic author; not actually an alchemist but, well, what FMA fan DOESN'T think of a State Alchemist title for themselves? (Besides me, I mean. I'd probably be...The Retard5892 alchemist. But then again, I don't have the patience required to learn alchemy. So fuck THAT idea.) This is the person who created every FMA pairing in existence. RoyEd, Elricest, Edvy, Royai, Edwin, even the dreaded EdxOC all came from the Spiral Matchmaker Alchemist.

Pros: None

Cons: None

Powers: Can create insane pairings out of thin air!

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14. The Potato Blizzard Alchemist

Description: Once upon a time, Roy went to Dairy Queen and ordered one large potato blizzard (Blizzard of the month!) because it's his favorite kind. Suddenly, a squealing fangirl attacked him and the cashier (to soon be known as The Potato Blizzard Alchemist) used her super secret special alchemy what-shit powers to save him. Thus, he decided to give her a job as a state alchemist because he was so grateful.

Pros: She makes really good ice cream, and there is already a relationshit blossoming between her and Roy Mustang; therefore, she's great for RoyxOC!

Cons: She has an enemy; the fangirl that she saved Roy from. Enemy=plot. Plots are major no-no for Mary Sue fics, so she's not an ideal choice.

Powers: Basic transmutation.

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15. The Shadowy Finger Alchemist

Description: A mysterious, alluring girl. She wears a long, dark gray cloak that only reveals her eyes, so that everyone is unaware that she is flipping them off.

Pros: She's mysterious, which is great for intense thinking moments, tearful confessions, and plenty of suspense.

Cons: (Insert sexy main character of your choice here) cannot see her body or face and, therefore, cannot 'fall in love at first sight.'

Powers: Mysterious, super-special alchemy powers. She can open the gate at will, and flip people off so well that they would literally die if they saw it. Which is why she wears a cloak.

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16. The Golden Reincarnation Alchemist

Description: She managed to bring her brother back to life without paying a price, and he wasn't disfigured at all. Why? Because she has molten gold running through her veins instead of blood, and each time she brings someone back to life, it becomes more and more diluted, until one day, it will turn to normal blood and she will die, because that is angsty and tragic and I said so.

Pros: Great for dying-romantically-in-(Insert sexy main character of your choice here)'s-arms-after-bringing-them-back-to-life.

Cons: There's that silly brother of hers; very distracting. You have to be-heavens no, it's impossible!- CREATIVE to get him out of the way!

Powers: Basic transmutation, as well as bringing back the dead.

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17. The Freezing Metal Licker Alchemist

Description: She has no tongue because she licked her own automail (that she got because [insert tragic accident of your choice here]) while in Briggs Mountain for super-special-serious-angsty-training and ripped her tongue off. Now she has an automail tongue.

Pros: Great for angst. Very strong because of her training.

Cons: It's hard for her to make coherent speech.

Powers: Basic transmutation, etc.

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18. The Aura Alchemist

Description: She can see auras. Because that is extremely original and totally related to alchemy. Yup.

Pros: She's a total Mary Sue.

Cons: She's a total Mary Sue.

Powers: She can see auras. How is this power of any use? You decide.

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19. The Raven Alchemist

Description: Dark, raven hair flowing down her back in wavy almost-curls. Dark gray orbs that change to black when she feels any extreme emotion. She wears black clothing and makeup, and her smile is cruel and hypnotizing and...You get the point.

Pros: She is so mysterious that no one can resist her.

Cons: She looks a bit emo.

Powers: She can call forth hundreds of ravens to do her bidding.

Using alchemy.

Yeah.

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20. (Insert State Alchemist Title of your choice here)

Description: Long, blonde hair with natural streaks of any and all colors. A sweet face with gentle, violet/azure/onyx/amber/scarlet/crimson orbs. a perfect body, slightly on the short side.

Pros: Absolutely perfect, sweet and kind in every way.

Cons: She's a bit shy.

Powers: Basic transmutation and the ability to understand and sympathize with (insert sexy main character of your choice here).

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**Have you made your decision yet? If so, contact theretard5892 for an order form!**


	2. Challenge!

**All right everyone, I know I said this was a oneshot, but I've decided against it!**

**Since FFnet doesn't allow non-fanfiction entries, I'll explain the situation in story form…**

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Ed gave you the finger. Yes, reader, I mean _you._ "All right, listen up! Since I'm the most convincing character in this series" (Sort of) "Mird, otherwise known as theretard5892, has hired me to explain her dumb-ass idea to you all. You must pick an alchemist- any alchemist- from the previous chapter and write a fanfic about them. It can be serious, or it can be crack…Although if it's not crack, Mird while probably think of some sort of creative way to kill you, so you may as well make it crack. After all, the world can never have too many Mary Sue parodies!"  
Then Ed poofed away and a bunch of Mary Sues appeared out of nowhere. They were foaming at the mouth.

"Help…Us…"

"Save…Us…"

"Turn us into…Characters…"

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**This is your mission, should you choose to accept it. When you complete the mission, contact me so I can read it. Why? Because I have developed an addiction to Mary Sue parodies. (I'm called theretard for a reason, you know!)**

**Thanks~!**


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